Don't judge me; I'm just a tsunami of a person
(Blogger still needs to find a way to rotate images, for reals)
Mustering up the courage to post up a picture of my gut should not be difficult but it is difficult, no matter what you look like. I am well aware that I have a decent shape/weight/etc. as it is - no, really, even if you may not think so I disagree with you and say that I do - but each person has things about themselves that they would love to tweak, you know? For me, I came to Adelaide and weighed (shock, horror! Yes I am doing what is forbidden and talking about weight! But this too should not be such a taboo topic) 45 kilograms. It sounds ideal for a person who is 5'3" but personally? I felt disgusting. I felt as though clothes hung on me instead of clinging to my shape and as for my shape (I used to be very, very, very curvey as I weighed about 65 kilograms and gaining, no lie) all that I had simply disappeared and I became this shapeless, pale and malnourished looking thing.
Then, cheesy enough as it is, I met my boyfriend - Scott - and he made me happier. He took me from the bad place I was in (you know, depression, feelings of failure, the like) and literally saved me. When I am happier, I tend to eat more. I have never been one to count calories or pick and choose what I should eat: I make sure I eat healthily. Inevitably, I put on about 10 kilograms (do the math) and now my body is starting to get more of a shape again and I could not be happier...the only issue is, I am conscious of how untoned I am. After being chubby, my arms have retained the flab and obviously I have a bit of a pouch where my stomach is concerned. Oh, and lets not forget the thighs: the thighs could do with some nice tightening up (arse too for that matter).
Toning up is hard, it takes time and commitment and you have to keep at it every single week. It is something I see myself doing but just not this year (truthfully, it really is a new years resolution that I intend on sticking by). This is a problem then for when I have photo shoots. Mind you, I started modeling when I was 18 and I was still very much chubby then, it was my agent at the time who told me that for an 18-year old I should not be over 60 kilograms, and true enough she was right - let me remind you, I'm 5'3", being over 60 kilograms was not at all ideal for me.
Being skinnier now, there is no excuse for me not to be toned up so it is definitely stressful when I have a shoot. I find myself close to starving myself and trying to do what exercises I can to "tone up" before the shoot. I live off the barest minimum and it stresses me out further because I love food, I get cranky when I skip meals. So why do I do it? Because I want to give the work I do the very best of me, and if I feel like my stomach should be a little smaller in order to get a better shot then I will work towards it. This is me being honest, yes I will do the bad thing and be the stereotype model who starves herself but at the same time it is not because I hate myself or hate how I look. I love myself, I love the way I am shaped but for just one day I feel the need to be "smaller". Is this a bad thing? I honestly feel as though it isn't. True, I should just get myself to a gym and get that toned body I keep dreaming about instead of going about it this way but in the time being can you blame me for missing out on lasagna for dinner (true story by the way) and opting for fruit?
This is me being truthful, I hope my readers appreciate that.
