This came flooding in today. I think I have so many young friends going through tough times (tween and teens) right now, I felt the need to share this little piece of me.
Sometimes young people don't realize other people might have fears and negative, depressive thoughts too. I know when I was younger I didn't. And, although I came from a very loving, caring family, I felt I couldn't share this "secret" I was holding on to. My family had nothing to do with it, this secret was an inside job.... It was me who couldn't or wouldn't share it. I was afraid...
I see my young friends struggling with life and having the same questions as I did. "Who am I?, Why am I here? What is my purpose? Where do I fit in? Why?" I'll admit I didn't have the violence these kids face in the inner city life they have, we didn't have the 2012 scare (which I will share my thoughts on in a later post..), etc...but, the questions about life and self still remained today....
And, just like I wasn't alone (even though I felt I was), I want people to know they're not alone either and it's OK to share their fears, demons, hopes, questions.....
Here's my story.... (at least so far. I still am finding new roads to travel!!)
My Story
Just about a year ago
I was told to: “tell my story to myself”
“Then look at it and share it too
Get it off that old dark shelf”
“Look back”; he said, “and you will see
What needs to come on out”
I looked at him and saw 2 heads
What on earth was he talking about?
It’s only now that time has past
I know what I must do
Share a piece of my darkest self
With the one and only you
So here I take a breath
And say a little prayer
That the sharing of my story
Will bring Light and not despair
I went on back inside my head
To my earliest memory
Of shadows, shapes and scary things
That where inside of me
I had such terrors in the night
I remember them today
Shadowy shapes; “their after me!"
“Come help me!” I would say
Next thing I remember
I was held in tender hands
Wake up dear it’s only a dream
Was my Mom’s commands
A little milk and I’d wake right up
And I just realized this now
I still love milk as much today
And have a relationship with cows!
Now back to my old feelings
Of how I didn’t fit in
I’d look around and see others play
I would join in and grin
But deep inside I didn’t feel
Connected with the rest
My feeling was I didn’t fit
Though I always tried my best
I was always a “big girl”
A bit on the “husky” side
Usually last to be picked
When the captains did decide
A square peg I felt I was
Out side a big round hole
No one knew my secret
To them I was all whole
I wasn’t always nice
To my sisters and their friends
I was jealous of how easily they seemed
To laugh and play until days end
My brothers for some reason
We played and did not fight
My little sister too
Was my ray of Light
I loved my family dearly
Do not misunderstand
Inside I felt so different
An outsider in this land
I kept my secret hidden
No one new my plight
How could I share this secret?
I was filled with such great fright
The story goes a little deeper
Before it comes out strong
Just bear with me a while
I promise it won’t be long
My teen years came with such confusion
As most teen years do
What is life? Why am I here?
My demons came right through
I don’t want you to think
My life was so depressed
I laughed and played and had such fun
It’s inside my head that was a mess
I don’t know why I felt like this
I guess that’s part of it
To me, I was the only one
That didn’t feel I fit
Feeling different I had such doubts
Mother Nature made a mistake
I dreamed it in my dreams
And felt it when awake
I had a revelation
When my mind was totally low
I had to make a decision
To live or just let go
It took a little while
While I lived inside my head
Outside all you would see
Is the happy, not the dread
In the darkness of my mind I saw
The Light under the door
To open the closet and see what’s there
Or stay and say no more?
Something stirred and so I took
A teeny, tiny step
Towards the door I crawled
Not feeling any pep
Each step I took came closer
To whatever lied beyond
Do I grab the handle and turn?
Do I leave my darkness bond?
I slowly gained the courage
To peek out into the Light
At first afraid to look
Slowly pushing off the fright
My life became so open
As I stepped outside to see
I saw a road not traveled
Could that road be for me?
I took a step so small
You might not have seen me move
But I know deep down inside
It was for me, I had to prove
Each step defined me more
Still different from the rest
But now I know the Light is mine
And for that I am ever Blessed
For each and every one of us
Must find their own way out
Just look out from that corner
And even give a shout
Chase back those dark, dark fears
A deep, deep breath, do take
Stand tall and keep the courage
Just a baby step; do take
For on the other side of darkness
There is a Great, Great Light
Through the ups and downs it will guide you
With Love and such great Might
And when grey skies come calling;
Look beyond the rain and see
That Rainbow of Hope is there for all
Even you and me
I celebrate my differences
And share this piece of me
For if it helps one person
That’s all that needs to be
And even if that person
Is only my true self
Than this story is still worthy
To keep off my inner shelf
Written 6/21/09
With Hope, Love and Light
By Nina P.
Just about a year ago
I was told to: “tell my story to myself”
“Then look at it and share it too
Get it off that old dark shelf”
“Look back”; he said, “and you will see
What needs to come on out”
I looked at him and saw 2 heads
What on earth was he talking about?
It’s only now that time has past
I know what I must do
Share a piece of my darkest self
With the one and only you
So here I take a breath
And say a little prayer
That the sharing of my story
Will bring Light and not despair
I went on back inside my head
To my earliest memory
Of shadows, shapes and scary things
That where inside of me
I had such terrors in the night
I remember them today
Shadowy shapes; “their after me!"
“Come help me!” I would say
Next thing I remember
I was held in tender hands
Wake up dear it’s only a dream
Was my Mom’s commands
A little milk and I’d wake right up
And I just realized this now
I still love milk as much today
And have a relationship with cows!
Now back to my old feelings
Of how I didn’t fit in
I’d look around and see others play
I would join in and grin
But deep inside I didn’t feel
Connected with the rest
My feeling was I didn’t fit
Though I always tried my best
I was always a “big girl”
A bit on the “husky” side
Usually last to be picked
When the captains did decide
A square peg I felt I was
Out side a big round hole
No one knew my secret
To them I was all whole
I wasn’t always nice
To my sisters and their friends
I was jealous of how easily they seemed
To laugh and play until days end
My brothers for some reason
We played and did not fight
My little sister too
Was my ray of Light
I loved my family dearly
Do not misunderstand
Inside I felt so different
An outsider in this land
I kept my secret hidden
No one new my plight
How could I share this secret?
I was filled with such great fright
The story goes a little deeper
Before it comes out strong
Just bear with me a while
I promise it won’t be long
My teen years came with such confusion
As most teen years do
What is life? Why am I here?
My demons came right through
I don’t want you to think
My life was so depressed
I laughed and played and had such fun
It’s inside my head that was a mess
I don’t know why I felt like this
I guess that’s part of it
To me, I was the only one
That didn’t feel I fit
Feeling different I had such doubts
Mother Nature made a mistake
I dreamed it in my dreams
And felt it when awake
I had a revelation
When my mind was totally low
I had to make a decision
To live or just let go
It took a little while
While I lived inside my head
Outside all you would see
Is the happy, not the dread
In the darkness of my mind I saw
The Light under the door
To open the closet and see what’s there
Or stay and say no more?
Something stirred and so I took
A teeny, tiny step
Towards the door I crawled
Not feeling any pep
Each step I took came closer
To whatever lied beyond
Do I grab the handle and turn?
Do I leave my darkness bond?
I slowly gained the courage
To peek out into the Light
At first afraid to look
Slowly pushing off the fright
My life became so open
As I stepped outside to see
I saw a road not traveled
Could that road be for me?
I took a step so small
You might not have seen me move
But I know deep down inside
It was for me, I had to prove
Each step defined me more
Still different from the rest
But now I know the Light is mine
And for that I am ever Blessed
For each and every one of us
Must find their own way out
Just look out from that corner
And even give a shout
Chase back those dark, dark fears
A deep, deep breath, do take
Stand tall and keep the courage
Just a baby step; do take
For on the other side of darkness
There is a Great, Great Light
Through the ups and downs it will guide you
With Love and such great Might
And when grey skies come calling;
Look beyond the rain and see
That Rainbow of Hope is there for all
Even you and me
I celebrate my differences
And share this piece of me
For if it helps one person
That’s all that needs to be
And even if that person
Is only my true self
Than this story is still worthy
To keep off my inner shelf
Written 6/21/09
With Hope, Love and Light
By Nina P.
